The sun is streaming through the window right now as I'm trying to work. I've been writing all morning and yet, it all seems crappy.
It's like my brain can't focus cause of the blinding light that teases me from outside.
And suddenly I'm thinking of you.
And suddenly I remember us clinking glasses, and cheering to being here. Being alive. Breathing in and out, and putting one step in front of the other when all you wanted to do was crawl under the covers and stay there.
Cause when there's pain so unfathomable - it's hard to know when to stay or flee. It feels like being stuck in the mud, between the what used to be and what is.
The sun is shining, and I remember you saying that the seasons, they hurt the most.
Because the change seasons make his death all the further away.
Because the change of seasons means life is still spinning - and he's not here.
And I suppose that's the biggest change of all.
The empty space of where you physically used to be.
Cause I know your love didn't die along with you, and I know she knows it too.
But you're not here. And the seasons are changing and the sun is shining and something doesn't seem right about that. Something doesn't seem fair about that.
You've left this earth, and I've continued to watch too many other people I know lose the ones they love.
Brothers and husbands and best friends of people I know.
And once again I'm finding myself wishing I could take their pain away. I know it's silly. But I do. And I know I can't - but I'll keep trying.
And I'll keep writing.
So for those of you struggling with loss as the sun starts to shine again, know you're not alone.
I get it, that it still hurts.
I get it, it doesn't seem right that the sun is starting to shine.
I get it, that with each new season, it's scary to think about how long your loved one has been gone.
I get it, that with each new seasons, there's a tradition and a holiday that you're expected to do without him. Or her.
I get it, I do.
But take a breath.
And when you're ready, take a baby step.
Let yourself stand in the sun, and as the rays heat your face, think of that one whom you love. Let the sun dry your tears.
Let yourself stand at the edge of the ocean, and watch the waves crash. Remember the joy that they once gave you both, and give yourself permission to feel that joy again. When you're ready.
Think of the love that you had, that you have, and remember that even though the sun will continue to shine and the days will continue to tick on - no time can ever diminish the love that existed between you both.
And as you watch the stars twinkle under the summer sky - think of the love that was wrapped up in the one that you lost, and imagine that the love they had for you is now shining amidst those stars.
With the change of seasons doesn't have to come a change of heart.
You can go on living and loving, but you don't have to stop remembering. You don't have to stop missing.